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| Image credit: Photo by 9stitches11stars on Flickr Licensed under Creative Commons |
In the first 12 Step meeting I attended, a group for friends and relatives of sex addicts, I heard repeated references to "our disease." And "our disease" — codependency — supposedly compelled us to engage in codependent behaviors: things like spying on and stalking the addicts in our lives. I winced each time I heard it. I didn't like the word "codependent," and the idea that the behaviors were compulsive didn't seem right. I felt like I was trying on an ill fitting uniform; it chaffed. And that bothered me.
I hear newcomers in meetings sometimes saying the same things I said, "I do not have a problem! I am not sick! I am just doing what any normal person would do! He's the one with the problem! It was not my fault! Don't try to pin this on me! What was I supposed to do?" And I see that reflection of me: self-righteous, angry and resentful that someone was thrusting the wrong clothes into my hands and insisting I put them on.
It was all muddled up in my head: his problems and my problems, his responsibilities and mine, normal and healthy, normal and sick... I couldn't take what worked and leave the rest. After all, if I couldn't accept the premise, how could any of this work? It was all or nothing.
Recently, I was reading an article about the compulsive nature of cyberstalking and I heard echoes of those words "our disease." But this time I saw that there were some things that fit for me and others that didn't, and that some things might work for others but not for me. Instead of picturing someone shoving a single generic outfit at me, I saw a whole Hollywood wardrobe room full of clothes. I could pick and choose the ones I want to wear. I could walk around, see what fit and what felt comfortable. I could walk away from what was offered. I could say yes to the shoes but still say no to the tights.
And I laughed thinking that freedom from "our disease" means freedom from being concerned about whether it's right to call it a disease at all.
This post was originally published at The Second Road on August 22, 2009.
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