And acceptance is the answer to all my problems today....unless I accept life completely on life's terms, I cannot be happy. I need to concentrate not so much on what needs to be changed in the world as on what needs to be changed in me and in my attitudes.
~Alcoholics Anonymous (The Big Book)
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| Image credit: Photo by Meredith_Farmer on Flickr Licensed under Creative Commons |
This past week has been one of those in which I look at my life, not with gratitude for all that I do have, but in despair for all that I don't. I have been craving the things that others seem to have: time, money, older independent children (or no children at all yet). I've even found myself stewing in rare jealousy at times. And I've found myself craving what I've never seen anyone else (not even me) have: the fairytale marriage I used to think I had.
My mind, swimming in exhaustion, would have me believe that if I had those things, I'd be happy.
I know, from experience, that this is not the case. I know that what I'm seeking -- a life of utter ease and pleasure, in which the world and all the people in it revolve around me and my needs and desires -- is an impossible illusion. Yet, emotionally, I want to work to make that fantasy a reality or at least to believe in the fantasy enough to escape into it. I know, intellectually, that the answer to the problem is not fussing or trying to rearrange the details of my world to my satisfaction, but that's my impulse, my reflex. And I find I'm not only not accepting of things as they are, I'm not accepting of my attitude or how I got here. I'm beating myself up for having somehow, somewhere, made a mistake. I keep wondering what I could have changed to have avoided coming to this place. But the answer is not in the past either. What I need to accept right now is: however I got here, I'm exhausted. And the solution isn't to run away from home and scattering my responsibilities in the wind behind me. The solution is to take a nap. And that's exactly what I'm going to do.
This post originally published atThe Second Road.
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