Pages

Friday, September 19, 2008

Unmanageable









Image credit: Photo by
tochis on Flickr
Licensed under Creative Commons

Although it's been five years since I found out about my husband's sex addiction -- five years that I have been working on my own codependency -- I am only just now working the 12 steps for the first time. I'd like to say that I've finished Step 1, since I've started working on Step 2 already, but it doesn't feel entirely finished to me yet.

Oh, I'm fine with Step 1a. I've admitted that I'm powerless over my husband's addiction, over others' addictions, over others in general. Yep, I'm powerless.  I get it. I'm good there and have been since day one in recovery. If my husband was going to cheat on me in spite of what a loving, caring, hot, smart, kick ass wife I've been, then I've got nowhere to go but powerless. I couldn't have worked any harder or done any better. I'm happy to relinquish control of that one and to keep relinquishing it in perpetuity.

But Step 1b: that my life has become unmanageable? Nope. Not there. Can't get my mind around it. Five years into my own recovery work, my life is pretty damn good, better than it's ever been. Are there parts that need work? Yes. But my whole life, unmanageable? That's, um, strong. So, the un-unmanageability of my life had me in tears this weekend and threatened to make my life, well, unmanageable. I mean, how could I work the steps if I couldn't even get past Step 1 for crying out loud?!

But some of the folks who are working with me, and have worked the steps before themselves (my virtual sponsors), have reminded me that I'm coming to this process five years in to my own spiritual development. I'm not approaching the steps in despair, on my knees, bleeding. And that makes it hard for me to see and feel the immediacy of that unmanageability, even though I know I've lived it.

So, I'm working the steps like a standardized test. I'm taking my #2 pencil and filling in one of the bubbles next to 1b with my best guess and getting on to Step 2. I figure when I'm done, time permitting, I can come back and look at that question again.


This post originally published at The Second Road on September 19, 2008.
Posted by at 12:56 PM
Labels: ,

3 comments:

  1. I am lost with my husband sexual addiction and am trying to figure out if I can stay with him and have his children. Thinking about going through these 12 steps and seeing that other people have difficulties also helps me feel not so alone. Thank you for sharing your frustration.
    ReplyDelete
  2. Doc's GirlSep 20, 2008 03:13 AM
    MJP - I would perhaps look at the 1st step in terms of past tense...

    You admitted that you were powerless over your husband's addiction and that your life was once unmanageable.

    I don't think you should have to face a major conflict simply because you've worked on your spirtual well-being for the last 5 years...:)

    Congrats on working the steps--it's so very important! :)
    ReplyDelete
  3. I'm not one of the ones who's really loving the 'click over to the second road' thing. And, it's not because I'm not interested in addiction - because I am, my son is a drug addict, even though he has 10+ years of clean time. Good luck with the 12 steps. My son and I don't talk about where he is on them. Although, I find it funny that he never did the one about: 'acknowledge all of the hurt you caused others and make amends' step (this could be 2 steps), at least he didn't do this with me. I guess he decided that it would be too painful.
    Whatever, he's still clean, thank God.
    ReplyDelete

Subscribe to: Post Comments (Atom)