Interview with Maia from Family Times

Image credit: Photo by mahalie on Flickr Licensed under Creative Commons

You may remember from way back two weeks ago, that I decide to participate in The Great Interview Experiment, a cool project hosted by Neil at Citizen of the Month. I was interviewed by Headless Mom at The Adventures of the Headless Family, and now it's my turn to conduct an interview.

I had the privilege of interviewing Maia from Family Times. Maia is a social worker in her late twenties who is one of (if I counted correctly!) twenty children in her large and loving family. She has a mix of biological and adopted siblings, many of whom joined her family from other cultures and at older ages, and she blogs about the joys and challenges of her life. I've really been enjoying getting to know Maia better and think you all will too.

1. I noticed that you started your blog in part to talk about your own depression and other mental health issues, but the blog seems to focus more on events in your family. I know my blog has evolved to focus on topics different from what I thought in the beginning. Do you feel this has happened with yours too? And if so, what has influenced that change?

Yes, I think I originally wanted a place to write about my own struggles with mental illnesses and peripherally my family's struggles (and thus my family), but the more I wrote the more I realized that I wanted to write about my family. I was rather surprised that people outside of my family were interested in reading about our lives, and I think that the feedback I've gotten has also influenced me to continue writing. While I certainly still struggle with my own mental health issues I also have not had any huge issues since I've been blogging. (Which is great!)

2. It seems as if many of your family members read your blog. Do they use it to help keep updated on what's going on with the rest of the family? Do your siblings tend to contact you with family updates knowing the blog will get the information to everyone else?

My Grandma (in the Midwest), Mom and Dad, some of my siblings (Molly, Kaleff, Jack, Kaci, and sometimes Linnea), my Sister-In-Law Chana, and some of my aunts and uncles read the blog. I also read certain posts to my younger younger siblings. Grandma, Jack and Kaleff (and previously Kaci) have told me that they like reading the blog because they get to hear what's going on in our day-to-day lives (since they live far away). It also helps us stay connected because I don't always have time to call all of the extended family with each new development. My 4 oldest siblings and myself are in frequent contact with each other and were before the blog. I talk to Jack and Kaleff at least twice per week on the phone and email and text more often. I see Kaci and Molly at least twice per week and also call and text and email. All of my sibs now say, "You should blog about this!", and "You should NOT blog about this!". They also do give info to me to blog about for our extended family.

3. I imagine that growing up in a large family with many adopted siblings influenced your decision to become a social worker. When did you decide to go into social work, what drew you to it and how did your experiences influence your choice?

I decided to become a social worker in a round-about way. I originally wanted to work with kids in residential treatment because I think I was so helped by a few of the workers who worked with me when I was in res. (I started thinking this when I was about 20.) I got so frustrated at my first res job because the management team didn't listen to any of the "grunt workers" and so the kids and staff team suffered needlessly often. I eventually went to grad school (when I was 26) so I could become management at a res facility. While in grad school I got sidetracked by exploring other types of social work (community advocacy, geriatrics, hospice / palliative care work, hospital social work). When I graduated I landed an amazing job doing exactly what I set out to do!

I think though that you are right - subconsciously my family did influence me. Mom and Dad have always taught me that one of the richest parts of life is giving back to people and empowering people who weren't born with the privilege I was born with. I also saw how much certain social workers helped (or didn't help) my family and my siblings. I also realized that being a social worker would never be boring because I could always just switch the type of social work I did.

4. As a mom who spends a lot of time transporting just two kids, I can't help but wonder how your family juggles the logistics of transportation in a family with 12 children age 16 and under! Do you live in an area with good public transit, does your family own large vans, do you travel in smaller groups? How do shopping trips or appointments work?

Great question - I never thought to explain this on the blog! We don't have a van large enough to transport the whole family (it would probably have to be a city bus). We live in an area with mostly adequate public transportation, and we do take the bus often. I think the Littles hang out at home more often than most kids their age, but they don't seem to mind. They (mostly) enjoy playing together and seem to feel safest when at home with family. Since most of them haven't grown up with a safe family they seem to need to catch up in that sense. When one or two kids need to go somewhere, we take them in the littlest car. We also have a bigger truck that can carry 9 people. When the whole (local) family goes somewhere (usually just church), we take the big truck (9), Molly's van (7), and my car (up to 5) or the smaller car (up to 5).

Dad does most of the shopping for the family and he takes only one kid at a time. The Littles think it's a great treat to help Dad out with the shopping and vie for who will get to go. For things that come up between weekly shopping trips, Dad usually stops on his way home from work or Mom asks one of us adult kids to bring something over when we come. We have a complicated (yet efficient) who owes who what spreadsheet to make sure we pay each other back.

Appointments can be trickier. We usually do dentist check-ups and cleanings in groups of 4-6 kids on a given day, and Mom just keeps those kids out of school for the day. That way it only takes up to 4 days to get us all done (though most of the Bigs schedule their own dentist appointments now). With Ceyja and Katia needing more frequent appointments, usually an adult sibling will take one of them, Dad will take one of them, or Mom will take one of them and someone else will stay at home. Sometimes it gets really complicated and we end up making charts on the white boards in the kitchen. For example, if Ceyja is in the hospital (we have someone with her at all times), Shea has a psychiatrist appointment, Molly is camping with her kids, Eli, Grace and Anna are doing school stuff, and Tiago and Reya each have a soccer game. We just take the available adults and split them up as best we can. The kids know we won't always be able to attend all of their sports games but they are at the age now to get embarrassed of having older siblings and parents yelling on the sidelines anyway.

Dad has a job that is really flexible hour-wise (he is basically his own boss), so he can take time off or flex time as needed. My new job isn't so flexible but I can help out in a pinch. Kaci is now around full-time and is a great help. Mom is also around full-time now that she is retired (she laughs at that).

Honestly though, sometimes we mess up and have to reschedule things or apologize for missing things. I missed a doctor's appointment this week because I had to go be with Ceyja, and I just refused to feel guilty about it. Yes, sometimes we have to pay fees for last-minute cancellations, but most of our doctors etc. are pretty understanding. And they get a lot of business from us!

5. What do you enjoy most about being part of a large family? What do you find hardest about being part of a large family?

This is a tough question. I think ONE of the things I enjoy most about being part of a large family is that it is rarely boring. I thrive in a fast-paced, busy, loud environment and often that's what my family is like!

One of the things that I find the hardest is that now that I am working (more than) full time I just don't have enough time to spend with my siblings. I love each of them so much and would love to be able to spend lots of time with them in groups and 1:1, but I'm still working out that balance.

Something that I both love and hate (at different times) is the assumptions people make about us and the way I get to challenge those assumptions. People assume that Mom and Dad are "collecting" kids and have some sort of sickness, that Mom and Dad must be neglecting some of the kids because there are so many of them, that the Littles act out because Mom and Dad are "bad" (abusive/negligent) parents, that we must be very conservative, that we homeschool all of the kids, that we are Mormon, etc. I am most often the one who answers what I consider intrusive and rude questions about our family sarcastically. Mom and Dad are much more gracious and willing to explain things to people, or they just will say, "Sorry, don't have time to chat now!"

6. You seem to have a close relationship with your siblings and to be learning from them even as you support them or help them learn and grow. What is one of the most important lessons you've learned from one of your siblings?

Wow, another tough question. I have learned so much about the human spirit from my siblings. They are my heroes - each in their own way. I cannot imagine going through what some of them have experienced and coming out of those experiences with any hope at all, yet they wake up each day with hope. When I am at my most depressed, that is what I cling to. That is how I convince myself that my depression is an illness and not a character flaw.

7. As you've mentioned, many of your family members have current or past physical or mental health diagnoses, from cancer and HIV to PTSD and OCD, and you seem to be very active and involved in your family. I imagine that environment has the potentially to be draining but also incredibly supportive. Do you find that your parents and siblings understand your struggles better because of their own struggles, and vice versa? How do you strike a balance between caring for yourself and caring for others?

I do think that we understand each other's struggles better because of our own struggles. Of course, this depends on each individual relationship. For example, I wouldn't expect Katia to equate being teased about only having one arm with my being teased for having OCD when I was younger, but I think my memories of being ostracized for something I couldn't control do give me more insight into how to help her deal.

We do have our moments though. We (the adults in the family) fight a lot, and I usually don't write about our fights. We fight by arguing with words, and we do so in a way that Mom and Dad say is "debating, not fighting". I call it fighting. I think it's good that we fight though - we hash out our stressors and our disagreements and, once they are out in the open, they are not so powerful. And we can work together to come up with solutions. We've developed a rather odd way of fighting over the years ... we use very respectful words, don't raise our voices, don't slam doors or anything ... unless you are listening to our words or looking at our eyes you wouldn't know we were disagreeing. This helps the younger kids not get so upset when we fight.

But back to your question. I constantly struggle with the whole "caring for myself vs. caring for others" thing. Sometimes I feel like caring for my family IS caring for myself. Sometimes I know that I need a break. Especially now that I work with kids who are somewhat like some of my younger sibs, I find that I need breaks more frequently. I try to honor myself for asking for those breaks when I need them. I also try not to take on more than I can handle. For example, I would love to get a dog right now. But Bill is living with us temporarily and I can't really handle another animal at my "sanctuary" (apartment). So we haven't gotten one.

8. Your family has experienced so much this year, from the loss of your sister's boyfriend in Iraq to new adoptions to investigation by CPS. Do many years in a large family involve some triumph and tragedy just because you are close to so many people or has this year been particularly eventful? In either case, how do you take care of yourself and handle all those ups and downs?

I think the adventures of a large family would make a great television show. :+) Lots of drama! It does seem that this year has been particularly eventful, and I think that it is partially because of the new kids joining our family. We all really had to work to, in essence, "move over and invite them in", and we took on dealing with their past traumas and Ceyja's cancer when we committed to adopt them. I also agree that many years in a large family involve some triumph and some tragedy just because I am close to so many people and identify so many people as family. Just look at my blog sidebar! (And I haven't even listed all of the "family", just those I blog about!)

I'm not sure how I handle all of the ups and downs. Sometimes my heart breaks frequently. Sometimes I don't know how we will survive a situation. Always I feel that we are very vulnerable and that our safety and security are tenuous. I don't think I feel those things because I have PTSD - I feel those things because I know that there are no guarantees in life.

I also have an amazing ability to compartmentalize things. Jake could do this too (we talked about it before he died), and thought he'd developed it from being in so many crisis situations. What I mean is that I can just wall off part of my emotions and deal for a while. I can "stop feeling" and take charge in a crisis. This can be a really useful skill (both at home and at work), but I have to remember to go back and give myself time and space to "feel" the emotions I "stopped". My therapist says I can do this due to my early trauma, but I think I have also honed this skill from years of experiencing family and work crises.

9. What is the most important message you feel you are trying to get out to blog readers who don't know you or your family in real life?

Hmmm. I guess I want people to stop, breathe, and think critically. Question everything. Are you SURE you shouldn't adopt a child? Are you SURE you believe in the Iraq War? Are you SURE your kid is being lazy and isn't sick? Are you SURE you are doing everything you can to to teach your kids how to stay safe? These questions and a million more ...

Thanks, Maia, for taking the time to give such wonderful and thoughtful answers to all my questions. It's been a pleasure!