Do you know that in all the times I read Step 1 over the past five years — including last week when I was working Step 1, and all the times Step 1 was read in meetings, and all the times my husband and I discussed Step 1, and even in my writings about Step 1 — I always had it in my head that Step 1 read “our lives have become unmanageable” and not “our lives had become unmanageable?”
There was no doubt my life had become — in the past (less than) perfect tense — unmanageable. When I found out about my husband’s addiction, I could barely eat. I couldn’t sleep. I kept both of us up nearly all night for days on end as I pulled out every last detail of his behavior under constant threat that I would take our son and our (as yet unborn) daughter and leave for good and all. I gained 30 pounds after the baby was born. I dreamed about running away or killing him or both. I stopped keeping on top of the bills and contributed to the near financial ruin we found ourselves in recently.
But there I was trying to make Step 1 fit into the present perfect tense. My life has become unmanageable? Why, it hasn’t become unmanageable at all. It’s become more and more manageable over the past five years. I’m no longer badgering and threatening. I trust in his recovery and my own. I’ve lost that 30 pounds. I dream of a vacation, but I don’t generally dream of running away. And murder fantasies? Um, definitely not on the radar anymore. We’re getting our finances back in order. I’ve gained a wonderful and growing spiritual connection and find safety and comfort in my God. My husband and I have a deeper love and intimacy than ever. And I’m as happy as I’ve ever been in my life. So I balked at Step 1. How could I say my life has become unmanageable?
But um… Oh… Do you hear that sound? That is the sound of me, a perfectionist and a word nerd, smacking myself in the head for misreading the question. Wherever you are, you should be able to hear it, because I assure you, I’m giving myself a good hard whack.
So, never mind. Forget I said anything. Time to get my eyes and ears checked. Turns out I won’t be skipping that question after all. I’ll be taking out my #2 pencil and fully and firmly filling in the bubble for “true” next to “my life had become unmanageable.”
(Thanks, R!)
This post originally published at The Second Road on September 20, 2008.
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