 |
| Image credit: Photo by flyzipper on Flickr Licensed under Creative Commons |
Last week, news broke that X-Files star David Duchovny had entered treatment for sex addiction. (His release of a statement to that effect was made, I hear, as a preemptive strike, as the tabloids were about to issue a story of their own. So much for anonymity. Nice.)
As the story has developed, there has been the usual gossipy speculation over the nature of the addiction: Was he cheating on wife Tea Leoni? Was he spending thousands on porn? Was he chasing a high in chat rooms using raunchy screen names? (And between "Fox" and "X-Files" you really should be able to come up with some good ones on your own.) But the two (legitimate) questions that have been asked most often by the media are: "What is sex addiction?" and "Does sex addiction really exist?"
I've already taken on the first question, so I think it's time to take on the second. The articles I've been reading all seem to present one or both of the following sides in this "controversy":
Side 1: There is no such thing as sex addiction. It is not listed in the DSM and so is not recognized as a disorder. So called "sex addiction" does not meet the criteria for addiction. People can have obsessive compulsive sexual behaviors that interfere with their lives, but these should not be called an "addiction."Of course, there's a third side, a general public without specific expertise in this area, who speculate that sex addicts are simply jerks with no willpower.
Side 2: Sex can be addictive just like drugs and alcohol. Sex addiction causes changes in brain chemistry similar to substance addictions. Sex addiction is a genuine problem for addicts and their families.
So, guess which side I fall on. Well, you know I blog about sex addiction, but the answer may surprise you. Go ahead, ask me. Ask me if sex addiction really exists. Ok?
You: Does sex addiction really exist?Were you surprised? Come on. You were. A little bit.
Me: Who cares.
But really, seriously. Who cares? What difference does that label make? Not a damn bit to me or to my husband. I haven't seen a single expert on psychology or human sexual behavior -- even those on the "there is no such thing as sex addiction" side -- argue that sexual behavior can't ever be obsessive-compulsive and destructive to people's lives. They only argue that that destructive behavior should not be called an "addiction." So, among professionals, it seems to be a question of semantics. And really, so it is with the lay public, as far as I'm concerned.
Call it addiction. Call it compulsivity. Call it a depressive disorder. Call it narcissism. Call it asshatitude, dickishness, assholism or jerkfacery. I only know what I've seen in my own life. I've seen a man who has committed himself to therapy and 12 Step programs for the past five years, after a lifetime of unhealthy sexual behavior brought him to the point of wishing for death. I've seen him grow and mature, spiritually and emotionally, into a better husband, father, employee, citizen and man. I've seen my own spiritual and emotional growth. I've watched myself become a better wife, mother and person. I've witnessed our renewed relationship with each other, a new and more genuine happiness and a deeper understanding and connection. I've made connections and found unbelievable common ground, healing, acceptance, understanding and friendship with others whose lives have been affected by addictions to alcohol and drugs.
So does sex addiction really exist? Who knows. Who cares. I don't need know whether or not it exists to know the most important thing of all: that people can change, that the methods used to treat other addictions are effective in treating problems with sexual behavior, that recovery works and that life is beautiful.
MPJ~ I can tell you it DOES exist. How do I know, I work in a drug and alcohol treatment center and have one on one conversations with patients or soon to be patients. Every now and again I speak to self confessed sex addicts who are both angry and embarrassed. This scenario happens approximately once a week.
ReplyDeleteThe sad fact is however, people are much more likely to seek treatment for drugs and alcohol than sex because of the stigma involved. What’s even sadder is that the need for treatment centers or just plain help is all but nonexistent. AR
This is true of all diagnoses. What's the value of naming a disease? Knowing what to do next, or being able to provide some information about prognosis. The name itself doesn't matter. I can call it bacterial pnuemonia; I can call it pneumonitis; I can call it Fred. As long as I know what antibiotics to use, who cares?
ReplyDelete"that recovery works and that life is beautiful"
ReplyDeleteSometimes, I wanna pinch myself. I don't know how it works, but it works.
Excellent article, Mary.
ReplyDeleteI was surprised but certainly agree with you. Who cares if it is "labeled" or not. It is real and impacts lives.
ReplyDeleteMy God, MPJ!!! This is amazingly well written and expressed. I cannot find the words to express even how what you wrote feels to me right now. I think I need to reread it a couple more times but I feel transformed somehow...
ReplyDeleteThank you. Please send this to some major magazine. It diffuses all sides of the controversy.
This is more or less how I feel about the question of whether ADHD is a "real disorder." My own take on it is that it's definitely "real," but whether or not it's a "disorder" is determined by our culture and lifestyle. It's a bit ironic--I give my child daily medication for something that I don't actually believe has to be a problem for him. But the reality is that, in the world we choose to live in, it is a problem for him. And the medication allows him to function successfully in that world.
ReplyDeleteFor all I know, maybe there's a world where "sex adddiction" isn't a problem for anyone. But we don't live there, either.
It's so true--it doesn't matter what we name it, it's still unhealthy behavior that rips apart lives.
ReplyDeleteSometimes, I think I need to be reiminded that life is beautiful - I got teary reading this - thank you for reminding me. Cat
ReplyDeleteFound you through The Quirk Factor, and holy moly, I'm impressed. I was married for years to a recovering drug addict and not-so-recovering sex "addict". That along with two kids on the spectrum is a heavy load, as you know. The marriage didn't make it, and I'm still seeking enough 12-step recovery in hopes that someday I'll be ready to have a relationship that isn't a codependent mess. For now, the best news is that I have a good relationship with myself and my boys. And that's enough today.
ReplyDeleteI reckon if different parts of your brain are constantly screaming at each other, help is needed. It doesn't matter whether it is screaming about sex, drugs, spiders, food or aliens.
ReplyDeleteThere may be treatment differences for different mechanisms (like different approaches for physical or psychological addictions to nicotine), so it might help to tease it out, but that's taxonomy, not existentialism.
Do you think perhaps some of Joe Public just wonder if some people use it as an excuse? That while there are definitely those who have the battles in their heads, there are others whose heads are in perfect harmony, and use the label to excuse their bad behaviour. I don't know if such people exist, but I wonder if the public suspect they do?
Ariane, the general public definitely see it as an "excuse" -- and at some point I'll finish the draft post I have on just that topic! ;)
ReplyDeleteWhile my logical mind and my experience agree with you that it's the journey not the label that makes a difference, I've asked myself this question many times.
ReplyDeleteWhy? Because I'm scared. Because my world was blown apart and now I find it hard to trust...others, myself, what I think, what I feel, what I know. Because I don't want to be lied to, hurt, betrayed, fooled again. Because I'm a need-to-know kind of gal who believes deep down that if I have all the right information I'll be safe.
I'll bet some of those Joe Publics have that same fantasy.