What Is Codependence?

Photo credit: edited version of a photo by ifou331 on Flickr

A while back I answered the question "What is Sex Addiction?" Now it's time for the other half (my half!) of the equation: "What Is Codependence?"

Most people have a basic understanding of addiction as a persistent, compulsive use of a substance (or behavior) in spite of negative consequences. And most of us know exactly what that out of control behavior looks like, even if we don't have an addict in our own lives, because so many addicts leave a clear path of destruction behind them: lost jobs, broken marriages, scandals, crime. Their sins are detailed by neighborhood gossips or splashed across the newspaper headlines for all of us to see.

But codependence (or codependency) is harder to define and to recognize. After all, codependents can seem, to themselves and others, like hapless victims, in the wrong place at the wrong time. Or they can be perceived (especially by the codependent) as doing good work rather than harm, because the harm they are doing is largely to themselves. But if addiction is an unhealthy attempt to escape trauma, codependence is an unhealthy attempt at damage control.

At its heart, codependence is a distorted way of seeing oneself and one's relationship to the world, which results in unhealthy (sometimes self-destructive) behaviors in relation to other people. Codependence is viewing the world in a fun house mirror and reacting as if you had a huge head and the people around you had huge asses, or vice versa. Codependents want to put the world right, but can't because they are reacting to a distortion.

Generally, codependent beliefs and responses are the result of growing up in a dysfunctional family where at least one member had a (usually unacknowledged, active and untreated) addiction or mental illness. Neglect, abandonment or verbal, emotional, physical or sexual abuse may have been present as well. This background skews the codependent's sense of "normal."

Codependence can span a wide variety of behaviors: from highly controlling and demanding of others to overly compliant and lacking in assertiveness, from extremely self-reliant to extremely needy, from distrustful and fearful of intimacy to naive and overly trusting, and sometimes a mixture of all of the above. Someone who is codependent may seem like "the nicest, most easygoing person ever" or "the biggest control freak ever." (Personally, I'm a little bit of both.)

Codependence may look like the "loyal" wife who stays with her husband even though he beats her because she "really loves him" and he'd "die without her." Or codependence may look like the "loving" husband who takes care of his wife when she's hungover and calls his family to cancel plans, saying she's sick with the flu. Or codependence may look like the "helpful" coworker who gives unsolicited advice on how to do your job and follows up with your boss when you don't take his suggestions. Or codependence may look like the "caring" friend who can never say no and stays up all night "editing" (read: finishing) your work while you go out with your boyfriend. (Ahem, what?! No, I've totally never done that. I also don't fix all the books that are out of alphabetical order in Borders either. Nope, not me. Ok, not every time. Well, every time, but not always a lot. Ugh! Seriously, people, if you don't care about the alphabetical order, you should not be allowed set foot in a bookstore!)

Characteristics include*:

• People Pleasing/Hyper-independence (they are strangely related, and I personally think hyper-independence is underemphasized)
  
• Doing more than one's share all of the time; being overly responsible and reliable
• Tendency to place other's needs before one's own
• Difficulty asking for help; viewing asking for help as a sign of weakness
  
• Changing to please others or avoid judgment or criticism
  
• Inability to handle conflict effectively, usually leading to avoidance of conflicts

• Interpersonal issues
  
• Need to fix others (giving unsolicited advice, excessive caretaking)
• Belief that other people can't take care of themselves or aren't "doing it right"
  
• Assuming responsibility for other people's behavior
• Being drawn repeatedly to relationships with people who are emotionally unavailable, abusive or have untreated mental illnesses or active addictions
  


• Emotional/Self-Esteem Issues
  • Extreme awareness of potential danger
  • Difficulty identifying and expressing feelings (for example, expressing only positive feelings or conflating all negative feelings with anger)
    
  • Excessive fear of judgment, rejection and/or abandonment
  • Self-esteem tied strongly to external approval (from a need to get straight A's to a need to be constantly reassured of good looks)
    
  • Distrust in one's perceptions
  • Excessive shame or guilt
    


• Rigidity
• Perfectionism (this may manifest not only in a need to do things perfectly oneself, but also an intolerance of imperfection in others and/or a belief there is only one right way to do things)
• Need for control: of environment, self and/or other people
  
  
• Tendency toward:
  • Stress related illnesses (headaches, gastrointestinal problems)
    
  • Anxiety disorders
    
  • Depression
  • Obsessive compulsive behavior
  • Addiction or substance abuse
  • Eating disorders
    

In addition, CoDA's website has a great list of characteristics for identifying codependency.

Codependents are NOT nice, altruistic people who enjoy selflessly helping others and expect nothing in return for their efforts. Codependents help selfishly in an attempt to control their environment to minimize their own anxiety. Their attempts do harm to themselves and others, although (because the codependent hides harm to self and tends to harm others in the long, rather than the short term) that harm is not always readily apparent.

Codependents are people who repeatedly stand in the path of someone else's insane cyclone. They may wave their arms and yell, believing they can stop the storm. Or they may not think that the sky getting dark is a problem this time. They may stand there on purpose, because they love the wind in their hair, even though they always end up with broken bones. Or they may think they are running away when they are actually headed back toward the chaos. After the storm passes, they're the ones who pull their bruised bodies out of the wreckage, clean up the detritus (usually grumbling under their breath) and repeat the pattern all over again, at least until they get help seeing their world clearly.

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* Because codependence manifests differently in different people, some characteristics will not apply at all to some codependents.