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| Image credit: Photo by MFinChina on Flickr |
The Codependent language is one with which many of you are already familiar. While there are numerous variations and dialects, the lyrical nuances of Codependent itself are preferred by many in the Codependent tribe. Derived from the ancient Passive-Aggressive, it contains elements of Veiled Criticism, Judgmental Subtext, Implied Requests and Ritualistic Inducement of Guilt, and is spoken by millions of Codies every day.
Codependent uses context and shared emotional understanding in much the same way that tonal languages, such as Chinese, use intonation; Codependent words may share a phonetic sound with common English words but have a vastly different meaning. Unfortunately, confusion and miscommunication can arise when native speakers of this language assume that everyone is, in fact, speaking the same language.
For a better understanding of the intricacies of this language, I present two hypothetical conversations, with my translation in italics:
TWO CODIES IN FRIENDLY CONVERSATION IN THEIR NATIVE TONGUE
Joan: Hi, Jane. I just thought I'd call because I haven't heard from you in a while.
I think you don't love me any more. If you really loved me, you would have called sooner.
Jane: I'm so sorry. I know I should have called sooner. How are you?
My house burned to the ground. My car was stolen. I responded to one of those Nigerian e-mail scams and now the FBI has a hold on my life savings because I am under suspicion for funding terrorists. I have been making calls to the insurance company and my lawyer by walking 3 miles to the nearest pay phone and licking people's shoes clean for quarters to pay for the calls. But I know that if I really loved you, I should have worked harder and done better. I'm ashamed that I haven't done more to take care of you. I'm selfish. I promise I'll work harder and do better. Please love me!*
Joan: I'm doing ok. How about you?
Things have been terrible. Why don't you love me more? Where were you? Why did you abandon me? Maybe it's because I haven't been working hard enough and doing well enough. I'll work harder and do better! Please love me!
Jane: Things are ok.
Terrible, but I don't want to upset you. I'm so ashamed by how selfish I've been so far. I need to work harder and do better. Please love me!
Joan: Well, I should let you go now.
I needed to have left five minutes ago but didn't want to hurt your feelings. Now I will make it seem like, in leaving, I'm still taking care of your needs, because I know mine aren't important.
Jane: I'm so glad you called. It's been so nice talking to you.
I'm still ashamed. I promise I will walk 3 miles to the pay phone tomorrow and lick someone's shoes just to call you.
Joan: You too. Keep in touch.
I'll be really hurt if you don't call and will know you don't love me enough. I know I've done a terrible job as a friend, but at least I made this phone call, which puts me one up on you and should induce the guilt necessary to get you to call.
A CODIE ATTEMPTING TO GET HER NEEDS MET**
Joan: Wow, the trash sure is full. Are there any more trash bags?
You sloppy pig. I can't believe you didn't already take the trash out. I bet you're going to use the "there are no more trash bags" excuse again. You could damn well go to the store for once and get some. But no, I have to do freaking everything. I want you to take the trash out NOW and if we're out of trash bags, I want you to go get them.
Jean: I don't know.
Joan: I guess I'll check. Oh, here they are.
Ok, here are the trash bags. I checked, even though you were supposed to. I'm doing all your freaking work for you again. Now I've said the trash bags are here, take out the trash like you're supposed to!
Jean: Great.
Joan: Well, I guess I'll just take the trash out now.
I can't believe I have to take the trash out again. I can't believe I ask Jean for help all the time and I still have to do everything.
Jean: Ok.
[Note: Joan believes that she did ask in English when in fact she was speaking Codependent, leading Jean to misunderstand her intent.]
* Thanks to my CF crew for the codie battle cry "I'll work harder. I'll do better. Please love me."
** Conversation where a codie tries to get her needs met was inspired by watching a video tape of myself in which I was really angry and thought I was stating my wants and needs forcefully enough to be rude. Ha!
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