Google Broke Up with Me

You may (or may not) have noticed that my ads disappeared a few weeks ago. Google informed me a little while back that that they determined I posed a "significant risk" to their advertisers and that they were pulling my ads. They wouldn't tell me exactly what this meant (and told me not to contact them and ask) but they implied that it had to do with "invalid clicks," that is, some person (or web program) clicking on my ads repeatedly with no actual interest in the product.

And the implication (felt in the sinking, burning nausea in my stomach) was that I had done something wrong: clicked my own ads to make buckets of money, encouraged my minions to participate in a get-rich-quick scheme, defrauded advertisers, blackened Google's name and my own. I had hurt Google. I had let them down. They trusted me, and I betrayed them.

I felt like Desdemona being targeted by Othello's rage but not sure exactly what I had done. And I'm not perfect, which (in my perfectionist mind) means I am guilty. So I fretted and berated myself. What had I done to hurt Google? Could it have been that I complained about mail order bride ads? Did I not love on Google right? Could it have been that I joked a few times about ad clicking before I ever had ads? Was I supposed to do more to discourage people from clicking the ads accidentally (or maliciously or in kind gestures)? Was it because I talk about sex and porn? Couldn't they tell me? Couldn't they give me one more chance to fix it? Couldn't we try again? Couldn't I work harder and do better?

I had one appeal to defend myself against charges unknown. I told them (truthfully) that I had never clicked on my own ads. I told them (truthfully) that I hadn't been involved in any ad clicking, morally questionable traffic driving scheme. I told them (truthfully) that I didn't know what happened and that I didn't have the technical expertise or knowledge to offer up much of anything in proof of any of this. But I promised to work hard at whatever they told me to work hard at and do better at whatever it was I was supposed to do better at.

Yep, I shouted tearfully at the cold, empty screen, "I'll work harder. I'll do better. Google, please love me! I'll shower your bed in rose petals! I won't let you down. I won't disappoint you. I'll never hurt you again." But what reason did they have to trust me? I always say: believe actions, not words, and never believe promises. And I'd hurt them already. All they had now was my word, my promises, against... Something. Some unknowable huge thing that I had done or seemed to have done and wanted to take back or fix.

Today Google wrote to officially dump me. They told me it was too late. They said they reviewed my appeal but still felt that I posed too great a risk for their advertisers. Our romance was over and they were never going to speak to me again. Whatever I had done was too horrible to be fixed or forgiven. And I was hereby banned for life, for reasons unknown, from ever participating in any AdSense program ever again.

Now, in spite of the fact that I'm now an AdSense untouchable, you all had better be really, special nice to me. Why? Because now I know that all I have to do to get you banned too is to click 10 or 20 times on one of your ads. I, the clicker, won't get in a whit of trouble, but you, the AdSense participant, will join me on the blacklist for life. I'm a woman scorned, and I may decide that if I can't have Google, no one can. Be afraid. Be very afraid.

Oh, and if Google does break up with you for any reason, you can blame me, and reference this post. Now I'm off to back up my blog, lest they summarily delete me for smart assitude.