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The ever astute Chatti Patti reminded me in a comment on my last post that I've been blogging for over a year about sex addiction and codependency, but have failed to explain, in general terms, what either is.
Sex addiction (also sometimes referred to as sexually compulsive behavior) is similar to alcohol or drug addiction. However, instead of compulsive use of a substance, sex addiction (and other behavioral addictions such as gambling) involves compulsive use of a behavior to produce a rush a brain chemicals that create a high. According to research by sex addiction expert Patrick Carnes, over 80% of sex addicts were sexually abused as children and nearly all suffered from emotional or physical abuse.
Carnes describes sex addiction as being part of a cycle of shame and pain: the addict acts out sexually to get a high that provides an escape from pain and shame, but the acting out behavior causes further pain and shame, which fuels the desire for more sexual acting out to escape it. Recovery breaks this cycle.
Sex addiction can span a wide variety of behaviors: from frequent sex/sexual partners, multiple affairs, masturbation or pornography to illegal activities such as prostitution, voyeurism, exhibitionism, rape or pedophilia.*
What distinguishes sex addiction from normal sexual activity is primarily:
- Inability to control sexual behavior.
- Persistence in behaviors in spite of harm to jobs, relationships and/or health.
In addition, sex addiction is characterized by:
- Disproportionate amounts of time spent on thinking about and engaging in the sexual activity to the exclusion of other activities.
- Shame, pain and secrecy surrounding the compulsive sexual behavior.
- Need for increasing amounts and variety of the sexual activity.
- Ritualized patterns of sexual behavior.
Sexual addiction is NOT:
- A moral failing
- A failure of willpower
- A healthy love of sex, an abnormally high sex drive or a strong libido.
- An alternative lifestyle.
- Carefree, uninhibited fun.
- An inability to discard social restrictions and embrace one's alternative lifestyle and/or strong libido to have uninhibited fun.
Here's the difference between typical enjoyment and addiction: Having a drink with dinner or during a night out with friends is fun. Drinking until you black out in your own vomit, and then doing it over and over again after you tell yourself you're never going to do it again: that's addiction. Sex is fun. Downloading porn at work for hours and masturbating until you bleed, knowing that if you get caught, you'll lose your job, your kids and your marriage, and then doing it the next day and the next after you tell yourself you're never going to do it again: that's addiction. It's not fun. It's not pretty. It's not romantic. It's compulsive.
My husband described his feelings after acting out sexually as empty, horrified and sick. A few years ago, I had a nightmare in which I was performing sexual acts that were repulsive, but being a dream, I was watching myself, unable to intervene. I'd like you to think of the most horrifying sexual act you can imagine with an animal, thing or person (make that person of an age, gender or relation to you that would be especially terrible) and you'll be where I was in that dream. When I woke up, I was disgusted and nauseated. I felt dirty and ashamed, like my own mind had violated me. I tried to reassure myself, "It's only a dream. It wasn't real." And I realized that, for my husband, those dark corners of the mind weren't just a dream. He felt the same type of horror and sickness at his own waking actions, and he couldn't soothe himself by saying they were just a dream. I could see why he'd want to escape that, and I felt such pain for him that I cried.
*Not all sex addicts engage in these behaviors. Not all of the people who engage in these behaviors are sex addicts. Not all of these behaviors are necessarily unhealthy in moderation.
Resources for learning more:
- Wikipedia's sex addiction entry
- Medicine.net overview
- Sex Addicts Anonymous
- Patrick Carnes' website: SexHelp.com
- Out of the Shadows by Patrick Carnes
Recovery Resources:
- SAA - Sex Addicts Anonymous
- SCA - Sexual Compulsives Anonymous
- SLAA - Sex and Love Addicts Anonymous
- SA - Sexaholics Anonymous
- SRA - Sexual Recovery Anonymous
- Sex Addict Support - An online support group for sex addicts
- SIA - Survivors of Incest Anonymous
- COSA - for partners of sex addicts
- S-Anon - for partners of sex addicts
- CODA - Codependents Anonymous
- Online Groups for Partners of Sex Addicts
Very eloquent and concise description.
ReplyDeleteI bet you're glad you didn't try to do it in haiku.
Very well written description.
ReplyDeleteI've been meaning to ask. Thanks for answering what I hadn't asked yet.
ReplyDeleteGreat post. Explains a complicated problem quite nicely in layperson's terms. Good job.
ReplyDeleteThat's the best explanation I've read in a long time.
ReplyDeleteAfter I pinned a brochure about a 12 step group for sex addiction on an AA clubhouse bulletin board the jokes seemed to go on forever. I was so glad I'd sneaked to put it up.
This is EXACTLY what it's like.
Thanks to all of you. I always worry when I write a definition, especially one that has the potential to distress people as this, because there's such potential to oversimplify or overgeneralize -- but to keep things succinct enough for a blog post, some simplification and generalization is necessary. Glad to hear you all think I struck a reasonable balance.
ReplyDeleteThis was a PERFECT description. horror and sickness. I can't count the hours I spent on my floor crying and praying for god to take it away.
ReplyDeleteI appreciate the sharing about your dream, I find that fascinating. I'm not sure that my wife understands my addiction very well, but she is trying really hard. I guess you have to experience something like it to understand how awful it really is.
By the way, you'll have to re-subscribe to my blog for your feed reader, thank you so much for letting me know about that glitch... I have switched my feeds to feedburner in order to have some more control over them.
I just found your blog by following your comment on "Honey I Shrunk The Kids". I'd be back for more reading. Very interesting - great blog!
ReplyDeleteSexual addiction is best described as a progressive intimacy disorder characterized by compulsive sexual thoughts and acts. Like all addictions, its negative impact on the addict and on family members increases as the disorder progresses. Over time, the addict usually has to intensify the addictive behavior to achieve the same results
ReplyDeleteVery nice blog, useful post. I should check back more often!
ReplyDeleteFor the earliest history on the sexual recovery 12 groups, go to scaorigins.com
ReplyDeleteSorry, I meant "for the earliest history on the sexual recovery 12 STEP groups, go to scaorigins.com
ReplyDeletePlease do not publish or use my email address. We are anonymous groups.
[...] Posted by fredjoiners on October 17, 2009 What Is Sex Addiction? ? A Room of Mama?s Own [...]
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