Pages

Wednesday, January 23, 2008

Ask Aunt Babz

Since my husband admitted his sexual addiction to me four years ago, I have found friends confiding in me about their own problems in sexual relationships and asking for advice. I try to be, especially now that I'm in recovery, more of a listener than an advice-giver, although (progress not perfection) I don't always succeed.

However, today Aunt Babz, who runs the advice column Ask Aunt B asked me to do a little consulting for her. She received a very poignant letter from a reader whose husband was using pornography to the extent that it was seriously hurting her and harming with their relationship. Unfortunately, this is an area in which I can say I now have some expertise. The letter touched me greatly and reminded me so much of some of my own pain and struggles. So, I threw caution to the winds, went ahead and made my armchair therapist diagnosis and even gave a little (gulp!) advice.

You can read the letter and my guest columnist answer at Ask Aunt B.

If you know the pain of sex addiction, you'll feel for the woman who wrote this letter too. If you don't know what sex addiction looks like, take a look; if you've dealt with addiction in your own life, it will look familiar enough to break your heart. (You can even try substituting the words "alcohol" or "drugs" for "porn," if that helps.)

I have to say, after my gig today as guest columnist, my hat is off to Babz more so than ever. It's a lot of pressure to have another person reaching out to you for help and trusting you to be there for them and point them in the right direction.

13 comments:

  1. Wonderful reply. Interesting choice of picture to go with it.
    ReplyDelete
  2. you're the bestest, smartest, awesomist!
    cfbff!!
    ReplyDelete
  3. LadyBugCrossingJan 23, 2008 10:26 AM
    You did great! You are absolutely right. The issue is his.
    xo
    LBC
    ReplyDelete
  4. Good job, Mary! I would have been the worst advice giver ever, as I probably would tell her to dump the guy. He sounds like he is in full denial mode, and trying to guilt-trip her.
    ReplyDelete
  5. I'm thinking it doesn't necessarily have to be a long journey for her (well, for me, actually). The key is whether or not the partner is in recovery, right? Rather than whether or not you love the person? Not poking at you, just pulling at a thread, hoping to unravel my stuck-ness. :)
    ReplyDelete
  6. Hey, the guys just trying to wind down after a hard day. It's probably the only kind of escapism that he has.... at least that's what my addicted husband said!

    Good job Ms Mary. I hate internet porn on so many levels.
    ReplyDelete
  7. Mary P Jones (MPJ)Jan 24, 2008 01:08 AM
    Thanks, Ingrid. Yep, denial. The blame and guilt that is thrown out at the partners is one of the worst things about addiction. My other least favorite: lies.
    ReplyDelete
  8. I read your response and learned so much. Good job!
    ReplyDelete
  9. You've done an excellent job. You were forthright, honest and you gave perspective, I'd probably not have been able to grasp or explore and in turn help this troubled woman.

    I officially welcome you to our team. As a staff member, of course, you get your own parking space, all the coffee you can drink and all the weight of the world you can carry.

    Do not underestimate this, your position. It is a Karma builder. It is cathartic, at times and especially rewarding when we get a response back that says or states that they appreciate our answer to them. There's nothing like hearing from one of these people(letter writers/questioners), that we've helped them heal, move on, rise above, understand, see things in a different light, gain perspective, grasp a situation better and most of all that they are grateful that someone actually might care. In this day and age, people are crying out, begging for something more, less pain, more understanding!Because of this, we'll never go out of business.

    It is my Honor to have you on board and look forward to your future responses. You have a gift and an understanding, a heart, chock full of Empathy and Expertise. Your perspective on, even this, will be a blessing to this person, if nothing else.

    Again, I proudly welcome you to the team. As well, I'm tickled pink to have you as a colleague.
    ReplyDelete
  10. MPJ, Ahh, yes. I get it. The person picked the marriage partner in part because of codependency so even if he or she leaves the marriage, there's still the codependency issue to address. Thank you for clarifying.

    And you're absolutely right about Life correcting you if you think putting something off will work.

    xox
    ReplyDelete
  11. Mary P Jones (MPJ)Jan 24, 2008 08:27 AM
    You got it, Moanna. That's my belief!
    ReplyDelete
  12. Hi MPJ, it's been a while since I've been over here. (Don't feel slighted, I was without internet for a while.) Great advice.

    I was wondering if you knew about recoverynation.com? I've been working on my own recovery through that and I'm finding it an incredibly supportive and useful community. Another alternative or supplement to twelve steps.
    ReplyDelete
  13. Mary P Jones (MPJ)Feb 9, 2008 12:49 PM
    Me Too, and I'm woefully behind on my responses! I will check out recoverynation.
    ReplyDelete